Did you encounter situations last week that contributed to your stress level because you could not say no? When I have trouble saying no, my body begins to feel warm. I almost start perspiring. My heart beats harder and faster. In some ways, I feel cornered. My desire is to say no with confidence, but for various reasons, it is not easy.
How do you feel when you want to say no, but cannot?
There are many reasons that cause us to avoid saying the word “no.” It is easier to say no to someone we do not know or to someone with whom we do not have a close relationship. How often have you walked past someone handing out samples in the mall? How often have you been asked to complete a survey? You probably have no trouble saying no to those requests.
It is also easy to say “no thank you” to a salesperson for the offer of help. However, when your neighbor’s child knocks on your door soliciting school sponsored items, you immediately buy the overpriced popcorn, wrapping paper or discount card. Why? You feel obligated to support the young person and the school. It would have been difficult to look that youngster in the eyes while saying no.
3 Reasons “no” is Difficult to Say
First, we generally want to please others. We want to be liked and to have pleasant interactions. Few want to deliberately cause hard feelings. Being told no by someone we have an emotional attachment to, may cause disappointment, hurt, or anger. Saying no to a salesperson we do not know is easier than saying no to the neighbor’s child.
Second, the act of saying “no” is uncomfortable in the workplace. Work environments rely on cooperative interactions. Help me and I will help you. An affirmative answer brings great favor. A “no” answer can incite retribution, hard feelings, and a host of unwanted problems.
Third, saying “no,” may sound harsh, uncaring, and finite based on how it is said. Tone, inflection, and facial cues contribute to any underlying meaning.
3 Benefits of Saying “no”
There benefits to saying no. The word no establishes boundaries and sets limits. It allows you to maintain better control of your time, energy, and effort. It establishes expectations and clarity about how you intend to interact with others.
Saying “no” the Stress Free Way
There are several steps to follow if you want to say no without raising your stress levels. Start by expressing gratitude for being considered.
You might say something like “wow, how nice that you thought of me…” or “thank you for the invitation.” This immediately makes the listener feel good. It will also make you feel good. When we express gratitude or feel grateful, our brain releases feel good endorphins.
Next, add a conjunctive adverb to your statement. These are words like unfortunately, however, therefore, consequently. The conjunctive adverb sends a signal that you are going to say no. It will be accepted easier because you made the other person feel better by sharing your gratitude.
The next step is to say no in a different way. “I won’t be able to make it.” “I have another engagement.” “I am unable to assist.” Try to avoid detailed explanations. If being blunt disturbs you, try softening your response by adding a proposal or alternative. “Maybe we can get together next week.” “I’m not busy tomorrow, you game?” You could also say “I would be happy to connect you with someone who might help.”
What should you do if you want to say no and end the conversation? Use the first three steps. You do not have to offer an explanation or alternative. “Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I am not able to assist you.”
“I want to be happy, whole, satisfied and successful. What about you?”
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